The End of the World As We Know It
by theqwerty
Summary: Who will triumph in the end? The Light? The Dark? The Muggles? The aliens? Read and find out.
1. Chapter 1

**The End of the World As We Know It**

_Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, Voldemort would eat one green, purple-polka dotted apple a day to keep the doctor away. Is he? No. So don't sue me._

Number 12 Grimmauld Place…

If one had been listening to the conversation happening on July 31st, 1997, in the main room of Number 12 Grimmauld Place, like the Dark Lord Voldemort had attempted to do but failed, one would have noticed a perfectly normal birthday party. A perfectly normal birthday party as in the fact that there was a birthday boy, guests, presents and cake. What was not perfectly normal were the streamers changing color, most of the birthday presents being magical in nature, and the general immaturity of some of the guests, mainly Ron, George, and Fred Weasley, though one could argue that at every party there is bound to be at least one person of that nature.

The party had started as normally as possible with the birthday boy, in this case one Harry Potter, greeting the guests and receiving presents. After that part, the party started spiraling out of control, starting with the spiking of the punch, the odd trend of people turning into animals (when Harry had asked, Fred and George had vehemently denied any participation, but their faces were perhaps a little too innocent), and ending with Ronald Weasley singing an inappropriate version of the Birthday song as Mrs. Weasley brought out the cake (Mmm, double chocolate chunk, sugar, sugar, sugar).

At this point, any observer, even Voldemort, would have ended their spell to listen in on the conversation as it was clear nothing important was happening and their ears would have appreciated not listening to an off key rendition of:

_Happy Birthday to you,_

_Happy Birthday to you,_

_Happy Birthday dear Harry,_

_Happy Birthday to you_

Or, alternatively, in Ron's case:

_Happy Birthday to you,_

_You live in a zoo,_

_You look like a monkey,_

_Aaaand, You smell like one too_

The whole debacle spiraled into an interrogation led by Mrs. Weasley over who had spiked the punch. Eventually, with the exception of Fred and George who had been kicked out of the room after being found guilty of slipping a potion into the punch, everyone settled down to watch the birthday boy open his presents.

This party had been the first time since Albus Dumbledore's funeral that most of the members of the Order of the Phoenix had met as a whole. It had been decided that the Order would have its first formal meeting the next morning, with Professor McGonagall as the head.

Harry approached Fred and George's birthday gift uneasily. Actually, Hermione mused, it probably was a good idea in general, but she didn't think Fred and George would try to prank Harry. After all, as Harry had told her and Ron earlier, Harry had given the twins the money to start their shop, and the twins did have enough money to be able to pay Harry back if Harry wanted it.

The box exploded in a shower of sparkles (red and gold, naturally) and all were amused to see a small green apple with purple polka-dots sitting innocently on the remains of its wrappings.

"The apple blows stuff up?" Harry enquired of the twins, who had snuck back into the room, this time without a fanfare of trumpets and explosions of fireworks (again, gold and red; do you think they would go for any other colors?) as had happened the first time they walked into the room.

"No, no, no," Fred replied.

"The wrapping was meant-" George continued,

"-to do that on its own." Fred completed the sentence.

"Actually, we don't know-" (that was George)

"what the apple does. Well, at least we know it does something bad. You see-" (Fred)

The wrapping paper reformed and blew up again.

"-we thought you would appreciate figuring out what it does on your own." George finished with a smirk at Fred whose mouth had been tied up by the exploding wrapping paper, "I take it the wrapping paper wasn't supposed to do that? Well, don't glare at me like that, you were the one who invented it."

As Fred untied himself, with the help of his sister Ginny, he said, "Hopefully it'll do something bad; we were hoping you would give it to Malfoy, but it's not our place to tell you what to do with it."

"Brilliant!" Harry replied, "Dobby!"

With a crack of displaced air, Dobby arrived.

"Oh Great Wizard Harry has called! What can humble servant Dobby do for Great Wizard Harry? Oh dear, did Great Wizard Harry not like the birthday cake his humble servant Dobby made for the Great Wizard? If Great Wizard Harry wishes, humble servant Dobby can make a new cake, with frosting and sprinkles, and whipped cream, and cherries, and-"

Harry cut Dobby off, while certain friends of his were starting to snigger uncontrollably in the background, "No, Dobby, the cake was perfectly fine; it was wonderful. I was actually wondering if you could make sure Malfoy or a Slytherin ate this apple the morning after the Welcoming Feast at Hogwarts."

"Oh, humble servant Dobby would do anything for Great Wizard Harry! If Great Wizard Harry needs anything he _must_ call humble servant Dobby!" Dobby chattered on excitedly with hero-adoration shining in his eyes, making him look like a constipated pig (hero-adoration does okay on humans but is a no-no on house elves).

"Don't worry Dobby, if I need anything I will call you," Harry reassured him.

With another pop, Dobby disappeared with the green, purple polka-dotted apple, most likely back to the kitchens at Hogwarts. The rest of the room (those who had not already been sniggering) broke out in laughter.

"Great Wizard Harry, what can we do to serve you?" Fred and George enquired at the same time with looks of hero worship on their faces, which actually looked more like a constipated pig than Dobby's look had been (the twins were imitating Dobby; despite the fact that the looks of hero-adoration did not look good on them, they _are_ still human, or maybe not) This only served to escalate the laughter in the room. Ginny choked on a chunk of cake and Molly Weasley started, finally realizing the twins had snuck back into the room, then subsided, realizing that it was better that there were here so that Harry hadn't eaten the apple when he had opened his present.

"Oh, shut up, all of you!" Harry scowled at them, "Dobby was only trying to help." Hermione and Ginny traded sheepish looks, feeling instant remorse about laughing at Dobby.

Harry shrugged, happy that everyone had stopped making fun of Dobby, and started unwrapping the rest of his presents.

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	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Later on that evening, many of the Order guests went to their assigned rooms to sleep after a night of merriment. Hermione, Ron and Harry, however, had other things to discuss. The trio went to Harry's room, the master suite of Grimmauld Place, as Harry had inherited the house after Sirius's death. Sitting in the slightly ornate room, Ron and Hermione who hadn't seen the room before whistled in awe.

"Bloody Hell, mate! This place is _fancy_," Ron commented. Hermione could do little better, her brain cells stunned at the luxury that surrounded the couch they were sitting in. A Persian rug was in front of the fireplace, the very ornamental fireplace, which was gilded with real gold. In fact, the black mahogany walls (of course it was black, first of all, god forbid it should be red, uggh, Mrs. Black would shudder and die should she ever put red and gold together in the same room, and second of all, what other color would the Black family decorate their walls with?) were also gilded with gold in lavish designs that caught the eye. The ceiling was painted with, from what they could tell, the "virtues" of the Black family. The top of the mantelpiece was green marble, and the ancient candleholders on the walls were made of pure silver (silver and green, what else would you expect?).

"Well, honestly, Ron, it was a lot worse before your Mum and Professor Lupin got here," Harry explained to his two best friends, "There were tons of dark artifacts and traps for burglars or family, we're not sure which, sitting around, and we also got rid of a lot of the black draperies. Seriously, it looked like a funeral room in here. Professor Lupin almost had an allergic reaction to all the silver in here. When we got in here, he tried to open the draperies, but apparently they were embroidered with the 'famous' deeds of the Black family, and it was in silver, so you can see how well that turned out."

"Oh," said Hermione, looking horrified, "Poor Professor Lupin. Is he alright? When a werewolf comes in contact with silver, they can get really bad allergic reactions. I once read about this werewolf who was so allergic that he almost died becau-"

"Yes, yes, we know about that. You read your essay on werewolves to us during third year. Not likely to forget that when your professor is a werewolf too. Anyways, Harry, we wanted to talk to you about the Horcruxes and how we're going to search for them," Ron interrupted Hermione's information spiel.

"Yeah," Hermione continued, "Ron and I are going back to Hogwarts this year. Professor McGonagall said she really needed us as Head Boy and Girl to help protect the school against Voldemort. She also wants you to continue the DA from fifth year."

"Hermione, Ron," Harry sighed, "I'm not going back to Hogwarts this year." The two were stunned.

"But, Harry-" Ron spluttered.

"Look, I just don't think Voldemort will wait for me to find a whole bunch of pieces of his soul and learn how to destroy them before attempting to kill me," Harry said angrily, clearly frustrated, "I've thought about this a lot and I believe this war needs to end soon. We've just lost the head of the Light, and the Order isn't coping well with the losses."

"Harry," Hermione said, "You need to come to school with us then. You can come and learn how to defend yourself better and how to destroy the Horcruxes. You'll have a better chance at survival then, and we'll be able to come with you and support you."

"Hermione, I-" Harry tried to refute her argument.

"Harry, you're going to go wandering off and how will we know when we'll see you again, if we ever do see you again!" Hermione didn't leave Harry a chance to contradict her, "we're your best friends! We care about you! At least, if you won't come for Hogwarts for the full year, spend a month, half a semester with us."

Silence invaded the room. The trio sat there, each with his or her own separate thoughts. They sat there for what seemed like hours to each of them, but in reality were only minutes. Finally, after half an hour, Harry spoke.

"Hermione, Ron, I can't put off the search for the Horcruxes any longer. Now that Headmaster Dumbledore's dead, I'm Voldemort's main target. I'll be putting the school in danger as long as I'm there."

"Harry-" Hermione tried to break in.

"Please be quiet, I'm not done yet," Harry looked at Hermione pleadingly and she subsided as Harry continued, "I'll put off the search for the rest of the summer, and I'll go to the Opening feast with you, but in disguise. I can't risk Voldemort knowing I'm there. After that, I'll be gone. I want you two to promise not to try to contact me while I'm searching for the Horcruxes. It might alert Voldemort where I am."

"Alright, I promise," Ron said instantly.

"Ron!" Hermione was shocked.

"Hermione, Harry made up his mind on this. We're not going to stop him. So just agree to this because it makes sense and will keep Harry safe." Ron gave her a thoughtful answer.

"Okay. I guess I promise, but I want you, Harry James Potter, to promise us that if you're hurt you'll come to us so that we can heal you." Hermione glared at Harry, reminding him of Molly Weasley.

"Alright. As long as there isn't an easier and faster way to heal myself," Harry promised, giving a hug to both Ron and Hermione, "I'm tired. I'll see you two in the morning then?" He smiled brilliantly at the duo.

"See you in the morning," echoed Hermione.

"Night," Ron said with a yawn, "Have a good night's sleep!"

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	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

September 1st, Hogwarts…

Harry, Ron, and Hermione snuck into the kitchens at Hogwarts.

"See, all we need to do is cover up your scar with this Scar Concealer, put some hair straightening cream in your hair and put some blue colored contacts on. Without your glasses messy hair, and green eyes, no one will be able to recognize you as Harry Potter," Hermione said confidently, as Harry did just that. The trio and Dobby, because he had felt an insane urge to spend as much time as possible with his Great Wizard Harry, especially with the impending sense of doom he felt. Dobby had spent too much time serving Sybil Trelawney in his years of service at Hogwarts.

As the trio made their way to the Great Hall, a sense of laughter and happiness permeated the surrounding air. Harry, Hermione and Ron sat down at the Gryffindor table. At his own table, Draco Malfoy was smirking to himself. _So the think they could hide Potter in that foolish disguise. Stupid Gryffindors. Any Slytherin would know that Potter's the only person who would sit with Granger and Weasley._ Draco looked at his favorite professor, Severus Snape, to make sure he got that fact. Snape nodded to Draco and rubbed his left forearm, alerting Voldemort to the fact that Potter had decided to come to Hogwarts.

Apparently, Voldemort received the message, because all of a sudden, the sense of laughter and happiness that permeated the air disappeared and was replaced with a sense of dread.

The doors of the Great Hall suddenly swung open with a bang, and standing on the steps outside the huge door, all the students could see Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters arrayed in their full glory: black robes, white masks, and bared forearms with the Dark Mark proudly displayed.

All the students gasped in terror or awe, and froze, depending on which side they supported; the dark, or the light. Voldemort smirked.

"Why, Harry Potter," he drawled as he moved over towards where the trio were sitting, "So you thought you could fool me by coming in disguise. It appears your ruse didn't work." He conjured a dueling platform.

"Come and duel me, so that all here may see that the dark will always triumph over light!" Voldemort called out. Harry had no choice but to comply. The two bowed to each other, Harry's bow being reluctant, and Voldemort's reminiscent of a snake. Before Harry could even move, something terrible happened.

"_Avada Kedavra_," Voldemort said the dreaded words. As soon as his spell got close to the owner of his wand's twin, green smoke started swirling around the platform the duo had been dueling on.

As the smoke cleared, Hermione stared in horror at the mangled body of her now deceased dead friend (The logical conclusion here being the fact that Voldemort never lies). Harry's head was thrown back, his expression frozen in the mingled defiance, repulsion, and pain he had always shown while facing Voldemort. Rest in peace, Harry, her thoughts drifted out, hoping to catch a last remnant of her friend.

Voldemort laughed, a very chilling sound in the quiet, echoing Great Hall, "Bind them," he ordered to his loyal followers, "and you, elf," he gestured at Dobby, who had come up from the kitchens to sit with Harry during the feast, but had instead watched his hero die, "Bring me some food. All this taking over the world stuff has made me hungry."

Voldemort paced through the hall, making sure his followers were tying up all the supporters of the Light correctly, "Well done, young Malfoy, well done," he complimented a smirking pureblood who had managed to catch Hermione in a body bind…

xxxxx

Meanwhile, in the kitchens…

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, Dark Lord Master Voldemort Tom Riddle wants food, but Dobby doesn't want to give Dark Lord Master Voldemort Tom Riddle food, but Dobby was ordered to!" came the frantic mutterings of a flustered house-elf, "Oh, Dobby is brilliant! Dobby will give the Dark Lord Master Voldemort Tom Riddle Master Fred and George's green, purple polka-dotted apple! What a brilliant plan, but how to get Dark Lord Master Voldemort Tom Riddle to eat a green, purple polka-dotted apple?"

Dobby accidentally sat down on his late friend Harry's Scar Concealer and it squirted out onto the counter.

"Ha ha! How brilliant! Dobby will put green food coloring and apple flavoring into Late Great Wizard Harry's Scar Concealer, and then Dobby will put it on the apple!"

Dobby was overjoyed with his simple yet brilliant plan. He was getting back at the Dark Lord Master Voldemort Tom Riddle for killing his hero, but he was also honoring Harry's orders that the apple be given to a Slytherin. Literally.

Dobby prepared the food and skipped out of the kitchen back to the Great Hall humming happily.

xxxxx

"So McGonagall, we have captured all the members of your puny group the Order of the Phoenix. Now what, you say? Now what? Muahahahahaha!!!," Voldemort paused and took a bite out of his apple that the house-elf had gotten him, "Now I will start a new world order, and instead of crushing you out of existence, I will let you watch!" Voldemort paused to call Severus Snape over.

"Severus Snape, what is the spell again?" Voldemort enquired of his devoted follower.

"Sonorus Maximus al mundo," Snape replied.

"Ah yes. You see, my dear McGonagall, this spell will make my voice heard everywhere on the globe. Those weakling muggles will never know what hit them," Voldemort cleared his throat, "Are you ready?"

"Yes, my Lord," all the Death eaters replied in unison.

"Very well then. _Sonorus Maximus al mundo_," Voldemort incanted, holding his wand at his throat, "My dear leaders of the world," he began, "or rather, my not so dear, I am Lord Voldemort, the most feared wizard of all time. At this moment, I am being heard by all muggles and wizards around the globe, so do not deny that you can hear my voice.

"Ah, but what's that you Muggles say? Wizards? But they don't exist! And what are Muggles? Muggles are people without magic, and I can assure you that wizards do exist, for I am one of those wizards. A Dark Wizard to be sure, but you puny little Muggles don't need to know all that. All you need to know is that I am going to push you out of this plane of existence, kill you all, and NOTHING YOU CAN DO CAN STOP ME!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!"

Review or Voldemort will come after you wielding a butter knife to poke your eyes out – if he can spare the time from ruling the world of course.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Previously:

_Sonorus Maximus al mundo_," Voldemort incanted, holding his wand at his throat, "My dear leaders of the world," he began, "or rather, my not so dear, I am Lord Voldemort, the most feared wizard of all time. At this moment, I am being heard by all muggles and wizards around the globe, so do not deny that you can hear my voice.

"Ah, but what's that you Muggles say? Wizards? But they don't exist! And what are Muggles? Muggles are people without magic, and I can assure you that wizards do exist, for I am one of those wizards. A Dark Wizard to be sure, but you puny little Muggles don't need to know all that. All you need to know is that I am going to push you out of this plane of existence, kill you all, and NOTHING YOU CAN DO CAN STOP ME!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!"

xxxxx

U.S.A…

"Houston, we have a problem…"

xxxxx

Spain…

"¡Señor, hay un problema mas mejor que tu esposa!"

xxxxx

England…

"Members of Parliament, we are gathered here today to discuss a national disaster…"

xxxxx

Germany…

"Geehrrter Herr, haben wire in grosses Problem…"

xxxxx

France…

"Monsieur, nous avons un grand problème…"

xxxxx

Italy…

"Signore, abbiamo un problema grande…"

xxxxx

Brazil…

"Senhor, nós temos um problema grande…"

xxxxx

Iran…

""سيدي ، لدينا مشكله كبي

xxxxx

Japan…

"私達は大きい問題を有する…"

xxxxx

Korea…

"각하, 우리는 큰 문제가 있다…"

xxxxx

China…

"主席先生,我们有一个很大的问题…"

xxxxx

Back in the Great Hall of Hogwarts…

Lord Voldemort was sitting on his newly conjured throne laughing hysterically at the images of the Muggles running around, which Severus Snape had transfixes into a crystal ball for his enjoyment. He was also laughing at his prisoners, who, not only were crying and feeling terrible and sad at the death of their savior, but also being tortured at he hands of Bellatrix Lestrange, Peter Pettigrew, and Lucius Malfoy.

_Boom, Boom, Boom_ –

Voldemort stopped laughing when three loud knocks sounded on the closed doors of the Great Hall, which was rather a good thing, as he had almost choked on the last chunk of apple he ate while he was laughing.

"Answer the door, Wormtail!" he barked sharply, "Lucius, Bellatrix, get ready to attack!"

"Yes, my lord," came from three whining nasally voices at the same time. The trio glared at each other in a staring contest until Peter lost his nerve in less than five seconds (Voldemort had been timing) later and broke their locked eyes. He scurried to the door in a way reminiscent to his animagus form and opened it.

Everyone stared in disbelief. A few gasped, and then stared again. Ron attempted to pinch himself, but was prevented by the chains connecting his hands to the wall. He stared again at the purple and orange little furry creature standing in the doorway.

Voldemort was gaping. He recollected himself and yelled to Lucius and Bellatrix, "Kill it!"

Lucius and Bellatrix both shot off a couple of killing curses, but the purple and orange furry alien (because it was an alien) just absorbed the curses while still looking at everyone curiously.

"bwee bwah brak?" he asked.

Everyone stared at him more.

"Shenl jbfo knosdi?" he asked again in a different language.

Everyone stared at him again.

"¿Hablan español?" he tried again, hitting considerably closer to the mark.

Everyone but Hermione stared. She blinked, having taken Spanish in her Muggle pre-kindergarten school.

"Do you speak English?" he asked, sounding extremely annoyed.

"Um…" was the only sound in the room, spoken from Draco Malfoy's lips.

Another minute passed in silence, Voldemort and his Death Eaters to preoccupied with staring at the little furry purple and orange alien to say or do anything, and their prisoners were, of course, tied up and gagged, when the alien took out a neon green walkie-talkie looking thingamajig.

"Sdofn oie kf shi," it said into the microphone of the walkie-talkie looking thingamajig, which translates to English as "Just a bunch of stupid animate life-forms. Teleport me out of here and blow this place up."

Everyone in the great hall stared even more if it was possible, as the alien appeared to apparate right through the Hogwarts anti-apparation wards. Of course, it didn't matter what they thought because the next moment…

_Kaboom_

(Or, if that literary expression wasn't graphic enough to you, imagine Planet Earth incinerating itself in one huge explosion. Obviously this would be bigger than normal explosions, so just imagine a nuclear bomb exploding times infinity. Good enough?)

"Bloody hell!"

Floating in midair in the middle of the Milky Way, the ghost of Hermione Granger watched the remains of the International Space Station passed her by, orbiting around half of the moon. Her death had hit her hard, loosening her inhibitions enough that she was unwound enough to swear. Blinking hard as another piece of debris passed her by, she gaped at the remains of Harry's wand. Suddenly, she idly wondered whether she could do magic as a ghost. Suddenly finding herself out by Pluto, she smiled, "Now I know I can apparate!" Apparently her death had not only loosened her inhibition for swearing, but now she could do wandless magic also! Now she could explore the universe, learn more, and since she was a ghost, she could do this forever!

Hermione apparated back to the spot where she had seen the wand. Thinking furiously, she thought of all the Muggle theories about space. Hmmm. Warp speed, Light speed, Hyperspace, gravity, _Big Bang_ – her mind froze.

Prodding a few pieces of debris together through wandless magic, the ghost pulled harder and harder to join the pieces together. Finally Hermione finished and stepped back, and admired her creation. Smirking, an expression oddly reminiscent of Draco Malfoy, she turned and headed back towards Pluto.

Looking back at the newly created now to be called Earth, Hermione Granger couldn't resist a final parting shot to the now deceased Dark Lord as she apparated away.

"Us muggles were right all along, aliens do exist!" and with that she left to explore the universe.

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